I have been working with my client, Dan, for some time now, several years to be exact.
Dan is a very caring guy; he will go out of his way to help others, and he has. He is considerate and thoughtful; he has gone out of his way for people without any expectations, it’s just who he is. Is he perfect? No, no one is, it’s the human condition, as I like to say, we all came with flaws.
This is why I am working with Dan. Dan has several friends, but there is one in particular he is closest to. Dan goes out of his way to be a good friend; he will do anything for his friend, yes, the others too. This is the difference, Jeff. Dan’s friend is an intelligent man; he has helped Dan on a number of occasions to see things he may be missing when it comes to life in general, and Dan appreciates that. In return, Dan has offered to help him do things on the physical side or recommends services to Jeff. Jeff never takes him up on those recommendations; Jeff doesn’t let Dan in when it comes to things like that.
After years of working with Dan about relationships, including dating, which has been very frustrating for me, Dan has finally hit the wall. It took me long enough, but Dan has realized that not everything that is said is intended to happen. Dan would always look forward to meeting some resources Jeff told him about or inviting him to events, but they never happened. The issue I have been working with Dan on is letting things go in one ear and out the other. If Dan invited him to a car show, which Dan would have loved to attend, it never happened. Dan would ask about the show, and Jeff let it go like he didn’t hear it. Dan would drop hints about doing things with Jeff, and there would be no response.
I told Dan, I believe the offers are well-meaning, but Jeff doesn’t follow through for some reason. I’m really not sure. Jeff isn’t my client, but it’s clear Jeff has commitment issues on many levels, never to follow through. I believe when Jeff says he wants to do something, it’s a good idea to him at the time, but he has second thoughts. I explained to Jeff, it’s like this. Jeff has boxes in his brain. When you’re around, all is good, but Jeff doesn’t want the boxes to interact with each other, and he has a place, a limitation, if you will, in his head on everything in his life, and he doesn’t or can’t let the two meet.
I told Dan he has to understand that, I explained, Jeff is like the woman you were dating years back who was never loyal except when they were physically together. Jeff is very much like that, he has his other life, and although he would like you to be part of it but when it comes down to it he shuts you down.
The breakthrough: In the last several months, Jeff told him he wanted him to do things with him, but nothing materialized. Dan asks him directly about it, but they went unanswered, so to avoid being a pain in Jeff’s ass, he would just drop hints again, which went ignored. Dan finally hit the wall. He told me he felt like he was running up hill to nowhere.
He told me his attitude is the offers are made, Jeff knows they are there, if he wants to take him up on any of them, he can but in Dan’s words, “I’m done offering, no more it’s frustrating. It’s now time to think of myself, it’s time for me to live my life for me. I’m here for others when they want, that’s it”. He then turned to me and said, “It’s a release, no more worrying about others, it’s about me.”
What Dan is doing is he makes one offer; he ends it with let me know what you want to do and leaves it there. He also pretty much ignores Jeff and others when they say they want to get together with him. His answer is, “OK, let me know & I’ll be there,” and never brings it up again.
It’s a healthy way to live, no matter what the situation. Never hold onto promises made by others. If they want it to happen, they will let you know; until then, keep moving on with your life and enjoy it. Put people who promise you whatever in a box as well, and you will live a happier, better life.
Dan now has a much better understanding of who Jeff is and knows it’s not personal, it’s just who Jeff is. There are many Jeffs out there; learn to recognize them and know if they are a good friend in one way but not another. That is where your limitations need to be with that person; you will not waste your time hoping for things that will never happen.
Always remain hopeful, never hopeless. Be optimistic, never pessimistic.
